Fuck You Cartoon Network

In particular fuck Adult Swim.  OK, we get it, someone there hates smoking, great, super, fan-fucking-tastic.  And apparently smoking is racist, too.  Very diversified, very nice.  Who gives a fuck?

If you don’t know that smoking is bad for you you have to be either very fucking stupid, very fucking retarded, or living on the goddamned moon for the last 50 years.  I smoke, I will die younger as a result.  If that doesn’t bother me why the fuck should it bother you?  “I don’t like the smell of smoke,” you say.  So what?  I don’t like the smell of farts, but life is not without it’s perils.  I haven’t met anyone yet who complains about second hand smoke who traded their car in for a horse.  I guarantee you a car puts off more poisonous, cancer-causing gases in a trip to the store than I will in a year of smoking.

And what’s with the black thing?  I just watched a commercial that said 80% of black people who smoke prefer menthol, and the cancer rate is higher in blacks.  They have a higher rate of sickle cell anemia too, but I seriously doubt it’s related.  Genetics are responsible for everything, aren’t they?  I have known menthols are worse for you than regular smoking since I was a kid (before I even started smoking.)  Last I checked all of my black friends were just as capable of making their own decisions as my white friends. If you don’t want to face the possible consequences of certain actions, do not engage in those actions.

How is advertising menthols to blacks racist?  Let that shit go.  Sure, there are still racist assholes in this country.  There always will be.  Some of them even have their own shows, like Trevor Noah.  I say let people be racist so you know who to stay away from.  There isn’t a rational person out there that doesn’t know racism is fucking stupid.  If you are too stupid to think for yourself, you lump everything together in a stereotype.  It’s what you do.

But advertising a particular product to a particular group based on known socioeconomic factors or culture-based preferences is not racist, it’s called successful marketing.  I could spend a billion dollars advertising tires on the bottom of the ocean but I won’t sell a single goddamn tire.  I would advertise to car owners.

Cigarette companies (or any company,) advertise to people who have enough money to buy their product.  Welcome to being a viable part of a functioning economy.  Those commercials whining about poor defenseless black people being forced to smoke are the dumbest, most racist goddamn things I have seen on TV all year.

Take that shit off the air, or at least stop showing the same bullshit lying ass commercials 30 times an hour claiming to be based on truth.  Cigarette companies are not even allowed to advertise on TV, right?  But now they make it on TV 30 times an hour.  Smart fucking move.  There is no bad publicity.

Fuck You anti smoking commercials.  Fuck You Adult Swim.  And Fuck You anyone else involved in that stupid shit.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a cigarette.

Fuck You McDonald’s

Fuck You Ronald Mcdonald
What the fuck is this?!?

I went to McDonald’s the other day (because I was craving whatever addictive drug they put in their ketchup,) and had an eye-opening experience.  The rest of you may have already been aware of what I am about to reveal, but it was new to me.  I haven’t been to a McDonald’s for a long, long time.

Do you remember the Big Mac?  Here I am probably talking to people over the age of 30.  People who remember when the Big Mac was actually a Big Deal.  And they filled the fry box to overflowing?  It was worth the extra money back then because you got a lot of food, not a lot of bread.

Fuck You McDonald's
Are you shitting me?

The fucking abomination they sent home with me was like a bad joke.  It was like eating a loaf of bread someone had rubbed a little salad dressing on.

I’m pretty sure I discovered Schrödinger’s patty.  Until you observe it, it is neither there, nor not there.  Once I moved the copious pile of lettuce to one side, I could literally see through the patties in places, which were probably pressed together out of shit they didn’t feel like sweeping up off the floor of a meat packing plant.  Of course I’m joking folks, those patties probably never even met a cow.  You could shave a hundred of these patties off a cow and she could go on to live a long and productive life with little or no notice.

Large order of Fuck You!
Oh, you bastards, you got me!

The fries were hot, greasy, and saltily delicious (yeah, I made up a word, big deal, you wanna fight about it?)  But up-sizing to get only 3/4 of a container made me feel like an asshole.  It’s like they make the employees pay for the fries out of their paycheck.  I took the picture before I removed any fries, that’s all of them.  Yeah, let me get some of that greasy air you got floating around back there for an extra dollar Ronald.

I paid $7.29 for this “meal,” and it is not a mistake I will make again any time soon.  Fuck You, Ronald McDonald, you clown!

On the positive side, the ketchup was good.



Are you offended?

It has come to my attention that there are those who may be offended by my gratuitous use of the words “fuck” and “you.”  Despite the fact that my humble goal is to be the number one clearing-house for all things fuck you, I was surprised to learn that there are those who are of delicate sensibilities, and that they might be offended by me saying “fuck you” every chance I get.

So for those individuals I have taken time out from my busy schedule of writing Fuck You and Fuck You related material to tender the following apology:

Universal Fuck YouFuuuuuuck You!  Fuck you.  Fuck Yourself and everything you believe in.  Fuck her, fuck him, fuck me, fuck you!  Fick Dich, Andate a la cresta, Baise Toi, vilis, Трахать тебя, vaffanculo, Foda-se, Fok jou, Te qifsha, Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform, tebeda, الله يلعنك, Kaifa Haluka, mchi thawa, Kulsoum, Hayatoy, sihtir, Chudi, Ebi se, Diew Lei, meow, bark, cluck, moooo, 我去你妈了个逼, Guet maren ou, fuc ty, and baren ir!

If I missed any languages, I sincerely apologize.


Fuck You Microsoft Xbox

I personally don’t care about Microsoft Xbox one way or the other.

I have never even owned an Xbox, nor am I a gamer.  That being said, I feel these soldiers should get an honorable mention since I have gone from being hardcore pro Microsoft from day one (literally day one of Dos 1,) to anti Microsoft.  Microsoft Windows 10, The Edge Browser, and even old faithless Microsoft Exploder have joined forces to make me hate them with a passion.

I call upon all of my fellow hairless monkeys to join me in the ban of Microsoft in every possible way.

GNU, Open Source, Linux, Mozilla, GIMP, and Office Libre are the future!  De Opresso Liber!

Fuck You Finger

It has been called many things; The Bird, The Finger, The One Finger Salute, and The Freeway Flip. Call it what you will, it means one thing…Fuck You!

Psychiatrists say that it symbolizes an aggressive phallus. I don’t know about that, but the gesture actually dates back to ancient roman times where it was called “the finger without shame,” or digitus impuducus for those of you who prefer Latin.


Fuck You Google Chrome

Google, Google, Google, why hath my Chrome forsaken me?  Always my go to browser, and favored by a bajillion people around the world, Chrome appears to be the one for whom the bells tolls.

As mentioned in a previous post, the cold war for world domination between Microsoft and Google has taken it’s toll on innocent bystanders.  I have become collateral damage.  The screen fonts make me yearn for the clarity of the 8 bit days of old.  I might as well be using an amber monochrome monitor with a dot pitch that would allow me to safely fly a space shuttle between the pixels.  The one thing that could fix it in chrome://flags has been removed.

Also, what happened to the promised land of milk, honey, and speed.  Speed?  Jesus H. Christ on a donkey! I’ve shipped cargo containers faster.  And don’t talk to me about privacy;  I think we all know better.  Between Microsoft and Google, my web activities are better documented than J.F.K. assassination.

You should call it Google Chrap.  I am writing this particular rant using Firefox by Mozilla.  You have let me down, Chrome.  Fuck You.

Fuck You Bidnez Mens

One thing I really fucking hate is morons who go around saying they are business men.

Fortunately for everyone, I have written this brief guide on how to identify a real business man.

For one thing he knows how to pronounce and / or spell business.  For another thing he doesn’t feel compelled to go around telling anyone who will listen that he be a bidnez mens.  Also, he is not typically closely involved in the crack industry, and probably owns a suit.  A real suit that doesn’t make him look like Prince after a bad acid trip.  And he knows that the word men is pluralized already and doesn’t need an s on the end of it.

So you may be thinking, “Hey! Michael didn’t say anything about women, he’s a goddamned sexist.”  Well, quite honestly I have never heard any woman say anything this fucking stupid, and if you are thinking the sexist shit, then you obviously missed the goddamn point of my rant.  If this is the case, please log off, unplug your computer, throw it in the trash, and don’t ever come back to my site.  Fuck You.

Fuck You Microsoft

I have been a fan of Microsoft since I was a teenager (a million years ago in the 80s.)  I’ve used it, sold it, consulted on it, and provided technical support for it.  I have loved Microsoft like no other.

Now there’s Windows 10.  We have no choice about so many important things.  But the main thing I hate?  Mandatory updates.

Windows 10 Development Team

Every time this piece of shit updates, which I can’t stop, my system gets fucked up.  I can’t get online, it runs about half the speed of smell, or some other catastrophic bullshit, right when I need my computer most.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot;  Your cold war with Google for world domination has rendered my Google Chrome almost unusable.  The screen fonts look like they were drawn by a blind, retarded monkey using a melted crayon.  Hello Firefox!

I have had so many fucking problems with your unstable bullshit while working under time deadlines, I’m thinking about suing for psychological damages.

I have installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and this is probably the last thing I will ever write on any Microsoft platform.

I feel betrayed after all of my years of loyalty.  Thanks for nothing Bill.  FUCK YOU!